Monday, July 27, 2009

"THE HOT ISSUE" is not the issue

How he tilts his head hints at what's going on inside it. The hair moves guys can't resist. 10 things guys wish you knew. The stalking danger you don't expect.

Excerpt from a romance novel? No. Try the table of contents of this month's Cosmo issue.

I feel like I read Cosmo far more when I was 17 and should have been reading, well, Seventeen. I recently picked up a copy, NO idea why. I also bought a bag of sour Skittles. Again, very unlike me. So maybe there was something that inspired me between the citronella candles and the candy to pick up an issue of Cosmopolitan, "The Hot Issue". Really? Like, other issues of the magazine compare to Martha Stewart Living and Newsweek? What I want to know is, how do they NOT run out of "10 ways to drive him crazy". After years of "ways", doesn't that add up to THOUSANDS of ways to "drive him crazy". Guys are not that complicated, physically...I can think of one way that usually works. I won't charge you $4.79 for the tip, either.

As I skimmed through the pages, all I really saw were advertisements for lotion, hair products, and birth control. But after digging through all of the glossy pages of beautiful hair and unattainable legs without cellulite, I finally made it to the horoscope section.

Aquarius: Don't commit to any long-range plans (like a winter vacation); your priorities will shift under the changeable Moon on the 14th. Nasty rumors about your ex are not true (great, NOW you tell me?), so be the bigger person and don't spread the dirt.
Dating Tip: Impetuous Mars sparks a red-hot attraction with a friend of a friend. Your heart will literally pound when you lock eyes. Get your flirt on because he feels it too.
Love Advice: Expansive Jupiter makes you crave erotic encores. Giving him o**l will help get him up to speed for round two.

I mean, REALLY people? How about you do whatever the heck you want to or do not want to do in round one and if he still likes you then GREAT! But kudos for putting the WHORE in Horoscope. Well done.

The Cosmo quiz this month is "Are you good-girl hot or bad-girl hot". Look I don't care if you think I'm good OR bad...just as long as you think I'm hot. Please. This magazine, essentially, after all the tips for hair, make up, how to walk, talk, think, wear a padded bra, and flirt DOES offer ways to fend off stalkers (page 133). After you make yourself hot you will have THOUSANDS of suitors and, they even have us covered there, ladies. Good to know, good to know.

EVEN THE DRINKS are "sexy" in Cosmo. Oh yes, check out page 206. "Summer's Sexiest Drinks". WHAT? At least have sexy names like Sex on the Beach, Red-headed Slut, or the like. WHAT is sexy about Lemon Ice or an Orange Creamsicle. Anyone? Nothing. There is nothing "sexy" about them.

In the "Love & Lust" section, on page 117, Cosmo gives us tips on "How to Get Hit on ALL the Time". This was great. Absolutely amazing. Considering that they assume you will be at a bar when you get "hit on", shouldn't we ALSO assume that alcohol is involved? Want to get hit on ladies? Just go to Black Finn. Really doesn't matter what you look like, what you are wearing, how you flip your hair, or play with the rim of your glass with your finger...some guy will find you hot. I promise. But, just in case you need more guidance on how to handle a guy that hits on you...check this out...

Cosmo is recommending you say...."Thanks. I'd love a drink. I was having pinot grigio", not this, "I don't know what to get-ask the bartender for me! But nothing with too many calories".

My name is Rachel Reed, and this is what I think when a guy offers to buy me a drink (assuming I just met him). I first think...what's in it for him. If I'm already buzzed, is he hoping this next drink puts me over the edge, thus in turn increasing the odds of him getting "lucky". Whatever "lucky" means. I think you're lucky if I give you more than 15 seconds of my time when I'm out with my friends...but....maybe others have a different opinion. But next time I'm at happy hour, I'll be sure to take Cosmo's advice and play with my shoe with my toes...sounds like a balancing act to me. But what if someone offers to buy me a glass of wine? AH! I won't be able to balance my shoe after a few of those...oh no...NOW what? While you can say the not-so-witty two liners that Cosmo recommends, I suggest politely declining. If you don't take candy from strangers, why would you accept a drink from one? I was munching on carrots and ranch dressing at a local bar one night...why didn't someone offer me another round of baby carrots? Why? Because you can't get drunk off baby carrots. Jury is still out regarding ranch dressing. Therefore, call me a man-hater, jaded, or cynical...when a stranger (man) offers to buy me a drink I assume he wants to get in my pants. Otherwise, he would have offered to buy me baby carrots or cover my parking fee from the structure.

My all-time favorite section from this month's Cosmo is on page 106, "He's Perfect, But..."
For example, "He's perfect, but he wears fugly man jewelry". The Fix? "Next time he wears his flair, enlist a girlfriend to poke fun at him gently by saying, 'I could have sworn I saw that at a women's store at the mall. Is that where you got it?"

WOW! Great idea, guys (or should I say, girls). Let's hurt his feelings. Perfect. Not only will he get upset from the comment, he will most likely think your enlisted girlfriend is a bitch.

"He quotes movies 24/7" The fix? "Say in a joking manner, let me take you to the movies so you can get some new lines". Look, if you REALLY like the guy enough to date him...odds are, you will also know the movies he adores because hopefully you enjoy them too. Finish his lines. But what do I know, right?

To dedicate 4 pages on how to "change" your boyfriend completely baffles me. Why would you want to change him when you just spent hours reading 195 pages about how 10-sure ways to attract him , 101 ways to please him, and 4 words that will keep him. I mean, right?