Monday, November 4, 2013

The bar is a battlefield.....this is for the guys.

No one said meeting new people was easy. Let me take that back, meeting new people is actually relatively easy and painless. We meet new people each and every day, especially if you are relatively outgoing and not a total asshole. No one said that meeting new people to date was easy, and it's not. The last place you want to find a mate is at the bar. But, then you think to yourself...I'm relatively normal (maybe not ME, but you probably are), I'm relatively attractive, I  have my shit relatively together...and I am here. Why wouldn't other "relatively normal" people be here, also?  They are...and they would most likely be more "relatively" reasonable if they didn't take advice from dumb books and even dumber friends.

There have been countless books written, one of the most notable, "The Game", by Neil Strauss, and thousands of articles in Mens Health, Maxim, GQ, and Playboy. For every article out there that tells women what to eat, what to wear, how to talk, how to have sex, and how to think, there is an article for men that explains how to get that woman. The more I go out and get approached, the more I realize that these articles are really doing men a disservice.

I'm not going to begin to pretend that I am a dating expert. I actually HATE going on dates. Yes, I said that. But I do love meeting new people and I think I'm fairly good at that.  I will give a quick run down on what NOT to do. Guys, you can make your own solutions based on deductive reasoning.

1. Approach a group of girls and then immediately ask them a "pretend" question:

"Ladies, can I ask you a question". Was that a statement or an actual question, guy? If that was a question, you just did and we're now done with this conversation. You can't ask a question with another question. Idiot.

"My friend and I have a bet...". Just stop right there. Unless you're in Vegas or have $50 on the game, what "bet" do you have? Who bets at the bar? No one that I want to talk to.

Look, approaching women is NOT easy. I actually feel bad for guys-it has to be pretty intimidating to approach a group of women who will immediately judge you as soon as you are within 10 feet of them. Chances are, they were judging you before you even noticed them. Harsh, I know. Why put yourself in a position where the group can say no? Roll their eyes. Scowl. Grab their brooms. I mean, sure, statistically you have a chance. Group of 3 may be interested. But, then you have to entertain her friends...and we can be a tough crowd. We will immediately think that your boys were too "shy" to approach us with one wants the "others" who have no confidence. We want the front man, but there has GOT to be another way to be the front man rather than "may I ask you a question". (quivers....)

2. Liquid Courage will mask social cues.

So you have a few brewskis in ya and you're ready to approach that hot girl playing with the straw in her vodka cranberry. Good for you. Having a motive is always a good thing...but make sure you have a plan. I was out with 3 of my girlfriends on Saturday. We were clearly in a deep discussion, sitting at a high top table upstairs, away from the dj and music in the basement of the restaurant. If we wanted to dance, then we would be downstairs. If we wanted to be approached, we wouldn't be sitting in a quiet corner. If we wanted you to come up to us, we would have been giving you non-verbal hints....yeah, we didn't.

Without saying "excuse me", a guy sitting at the table next to us looked at me and said.."do you know my friend, Mike", and pointed to a VERY drunk man sitting across the table. He could barely keep his head up.
I said, "yeah, I went to high school with him. Too bad he was never able to make the football team like his brother". "OHHHHHHHHHHHHH DAMN!", screamed the guy. "you all know eachother?!", he asked again.

"um, I have never seen him in my life", and I turned around. Apparently, my not so subtle insult to his friend was not a big enough hint, so he decided to get up and actually come stand at our table. Awesome.
My friends and I were in the middle of an enjoyable discussion, but once the guy was up in our face, we had no choice but to stop talking and look at him. He was not a bad looking guy, actually. He was dressed fairly well. Nice teeth. Smelled pleasant. So why was I turned off?

He was saying "Hey, do you know my friend" to every single girl who walked past him and his friend. He literally hit on every girl who walked by. Every. Single. One. Really? Listen, I was never a strong math student and I definitely never completed a statistics course. However, at what point did these guys think that their cat calls to EVERY SINGLE GIRL would be successful? We were sitting ducks, waiting for our tab, so we couldn't walk away from them. Otherwise, we would have. Don't insult the girls who you are trying to hit on by hollering on every other thing that walks by. Doesn't seem to genuine to me. Not like bar pick-up lines are ever genuine, but don't be so obviously desperate. Gross. I don't know your friend. I don't know you. I don't want to know either one of you. Next.

3. Hey, want to do a shot?

 I'm at a bar. Why wouldn't I want to do a shot? Only problem is, I have absolutely no idea who you are and you have absolutely no idea who I am. Unless this is a "pay it forward" scenario because you felt compelled to "give back" after watching some feel good episode of The View (and if you're a guy, you shouldn't be watching The View), then why would you want to spend your money on a complete stranger? UNLESS of course, you want to have sex with her. Then, well, you are suggesting an exchange. Our culture would classify this as "prostitution". You pay me money or give me a tangible good (hiccup, thanks for the shot), and I give you sex? Is that how this works?

Offering a stranger a shot or cocktail without even knowing her name implies you don't have the confidence to roll without incentives. Are you confident in what you have going on? Then you don't need any toys or "freebies" to gain a fan. Right? Are the first 10 girls that talk to you going to receive a limited edition bobble head? Most girls, again, MOST girls who are respectable, independent, self-stable, and mature will turn down a drink from a complete stranger. If they don't....well, you got what you are looking for. A prostitute.

4. My friend is shy.

Okay, so then what are you? Wing men should be seen as co-pilots, NOT kamikazes. So, your buddy is shy but thinks someone in my group is pretty? Do you feel the same way? Are you just the messenger?  Since when is "my buddy is shy" considered to be a top selling point of said 'buddy'? Why not, "my buddy just broke up with his girlfriend, is TOTALLY messed up in the head, just needs to get laid, and forgot how to approach women". That would be way more respectable and believable than "my buddy is shy". Why? Because I have seen that "shy" man turn "un-shy" in a matter of moments when you start talking to him. Shy isn't a mood, it's a characteristic. Next time a guy approaches me and says that, I will turn to whoever is closest to me and say, "My friend is a whore".  It's a is the line "my buddy is shy, but thinks you are cute". He may think I'm cute, but he certainly is not shy.

5. Grab a girl when she walks by.

Certain ethnic groups seem to think this is more acceptable than others, but not touch me or my friends. Never. Who does that? Unless you are notifying us that we dropped our phone or scarf, hands off. A lot of men gather near the bathrooms because they know women are vulnerable when they need to pee. We are in heels. We likely have to wait in a huge line because girls don't know how to pee and usually roam in packs. The LAST thing we want is to be delayed when hustling to the bathroom. It's gross. It's desperate. It's not cool.

6. Ownership

Just because a girl talks to you for a few moments, does not mean she wants to talk to you for the rest of the night. (see #3. Buying her a drink will NOT make her like you more. Ever).  Don't take it personally. Don't get all defensive. Don't be a dick to the other guys she does want to talk to. That said, do not make personal slams against her. "OH, okay, I see how it is. Whatever, you're not that hot anyway". Yes I am. I know that I am.  Sorry you couldn't pick up on the non-verbal body language I was giving you and especially the verbal ones:  "I need to find my friends", "I think I know her", "I feel like I'm going to throw up", "I need to take my medication", "I think I just started my period".  Take a hint. Please. We don't want to be bitches, so please don't bring it out of us by being completely clueless.

Again, the bar scene can be brutal and expensive. Don't go out to meet girls...go out to have a good time. If you meet girls, cool. If you don't, cool. When you validate a night's success based on if you meet a girl or not, then your definition of "success" needs some brushing up on. Hopefully this tips of what NOT to do helped ya out....I'm not entirely sure what does work, but I certainly know what doesn't work. #1-6 never work.


You're welcome.